I think its working!

On the eve of our third walk for Autism Speaks Canada, I am reflecting on how drastically things have changed for us.  From a slight 5 yr old who could not speak at all to a taller, skinnier 6 yr old who has his name in lights in the dictionary next to echolalia.  Most often what he says makes no sense and is in the wrong context but he is trying that’s what counts.  Timothy takes risperidal now.  Since we received diagnosis several years ago, I had vowed not to be one of those Moms….those Moms who medicated their kids…with proper therapies and discipline it would all work itself out…right?  No.  I was ignorant.  Judgemental.  I was wrong.  I am now proudly one of those Moms. The guilt is gone.  Cause you know what?  I think its working.  His outbursts are less often and less violent.  The dose may need a tweaking eventually but there is a change. 

We are cautiously optimistic because its what we are used to…the constant cycling of behaviours.  Don’t get too comfortable where you are Ma and Pa cause the winds change quickly!  What works one day, does not the next- something I”m certain others with children on the spectrum experience.

So tomorrow we walk.  We walk for awareness, we walk for acceptance.  One day we will be gone and Timothy will be here.  We hope he has friends.  We hope he is understood.  Most of all we hope he is more than just autism.  He is Timothy and he just happens to have autism.

Love Trish.


The cup feels half empty

And I want it to be half full.  Timothy has become an all encompassing tornado and I don’t feel equipped to take care of him when he is this way. He is irritable and frustrated and becoming aggressive towards myself and other people.  I can’t allow it to continue. I have two other children who I feel I am neglecting.  I am irritable, I am emotional, I can’t sleep.  I am not the Mom I want to be. 

So I (we) made a decision to try medication.  Timothy will start it today and I am a ball of nerves.  I know in my heart he needs to try it and yet I am questioning the decision.  As I write this, I am validating myself.  I can’t take him out alone anymore.  We have become isolated in our home. 

Its almost as though he knows.  It breaks my heart.  Yesterday he was good as gold.  I thought, what am I doing?  Why can’t I handle this, as he chirped and played last night.  Then the screaming began again this morning.  The constant slamming of doors, hitting walls and striking out.  Twenty hours of IBI therapy per week and yes, he has definitely improved, but not enough.  My child needs help and I am his only advocate.  The storm inside his head needs to calm.  If I can’t be 100% then I am no good to him.  We need to do better.  But we are exhausted.  Laying a whole lot of hope on this folks.  Everything I’ve got. 

A happy picture from yesterday with the sign he took from program.  He loves the balloons on it and its gone everywhere with him including his bed!


Love Trish.